While I was in Ibiza, my next-door neighbour decided to worm
and de-flea Sydney the cat.
Hes at least fourteen years
old now and has never had this sort of ignominious treatment before. Apparently,
she ground up the worming pill and mixed it into a bowl of mashed-up tinned tuna.
Sydney would have preferred wild red salmon, but there, wouldnt we all.
said it was a relatively peaceful process, unlike a friend of mine in America
who kindly sent me the following advice in case I attempt to repeat the process
Pick up Sydney and cradle in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of Sydneys mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand.
As Sydney opens
mouth, pop in pill. Allow him to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor
and Sydney from behind sofa. Cradle him in left arm and repeat process.
Sydney from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle
Sydney in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand, force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and Sydney
from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged
firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws.
low growls emitted by Sydney. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler or similar into mouth. Roll pill down ruler and vigorously
rub Sydney's throat.
Retrieve Sydney from curtain;
get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side
for later gluing.
Wrap cat in large towel and get
spouse to lie on cat with head (Sydneys) just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in the end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down straw. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful
to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Sydney in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch
bottle of Scotch. Pour large one and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot.
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another large one. Throw t-shirt away
and fetch clean one from bedside drawer. Call Fire Brigade (if not on strike)
to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid him.
pill from foil wrap. Tie Sydneys front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about
Hold Sydneys head vertically and pour
two pints of water into throat to wash pill down. Consume remainder of Scotch.
Open new bottle that was being saved for Christmas. Get spouse to drive you to
the accident and emergency ward at the nearest hospital. Sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill fragments from right eye. Call at
furniture shop on way home to order new table. Call the Peoples Dispensary
for Sick Animals and arrange for them to collect Sydney and call pet shop to see
if they have any hamsters today.
of Christmas Scotch.