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I'm sorry to report that what follows is unfortunately accurate,
whether you or her have been drinking or not and regardless of whether you take
her for holidays in Ibiza. It came to me from a married friend,
of course, and is an attempt to unravel the language of the sexes. 1.
"Fine". This is the word a woman uses at the
end of an argument when they feel they are right and is used to shut you up. Never
use "Fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have
an argument. 2. "Five minutes". This
is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game
is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so they feel that it's an even
trade. 3. "Nothing". This
means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside
down, backwards, or all three. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument
that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". 4.
"Go ahead" (with raised eyebrows). This is a
dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and
will end with the word "Fine". 5. "Go ahead"
(normal eyebrows). This means "I give up" or
"Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Go ahead"
(raised eyebrows) in a few minutes, followed by a "Nothing" and a "Fine"
and she will talk to you in about "Five minutes" when she stops caring. 6.
Loud sigh. Though this is not actually a word, it is still
a verbal statement very much misunderstood by men. A "Loud sigh" means
she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there
and arguing with you over "Nothing", which is, of course, something. 7.
Soft sigh. Again, not a word, but an audible gesture. "Soft
sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is
content. Do not breathe. 8. "Oh". This
word - followed by any statement - is definitely trouble. Example: "Oh, I
talked to my mother about what you did last night". The "Oh" as
the lead to the sentence signifies that you are caught in a lie. You should plan
your escape. She will not be "Fine" until she has thrown your clothes
out of the window (do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days after
this action). Do not try to lie further to get out of it. You risk a "Go
ahead" (with raised eyebrows). 9. "That's okay". This
is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's
okay" means things are not OK and that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you retribution for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay"
is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Go
ahead" (Raised eyebrows). At some point in the near future, when she has
plotted and planned sufficiently, you are going to be in big trouble. 10.
"Please do". This is not a statement. It is an
offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason
you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to
tell the truth, so be careful and you should avoid a "That's okay".
Alternatively, a "please do" can mean "Do not dare". 11.
"Thanks". The woman is thanking you. Do not ignore
this, on pain of a "Thanks a lot!" (see below) which is something altogether
different. Always reply to a "Thanks" and try to make whatever you mumble
sound as if you mean it and do not let your jaw drop. 12.
"Thanks a lot" (with exclamation mark). This
is very different to "Thanks". A woman always says "Thanks a lot"
when she is furious. It signifies that you have infuriated her in some masculine
way and will be followed by the "Loud sigh". Be careful not to ask what
is wrong after the "Loud sigh", as she will tell you "Nothing".
Sinclair Newton
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